Comments for Why Suicide Blog http://whysuicideblog.com Thu, 17 May 2012 13:59:18 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 Comment on The Blame Game, Take 2: Mom & Dharun Ravi by Barbara Freshley, M.D. http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=181#comment-336 Barbara Freshley, M.D. Thu, 17 May 2012 13:59:18 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=181#comment-336 Your comments are very thoughtful and helpful to all those left in the wake of anyone's suicide. I couldn't agree with you more. As a physician, I have often found myself in the position of trying to convince colleagues (and myself) that they/I are not to blame for senseless suicides, when they have made their best efforts to help the person prior to that unexpected outcome. I also tell depressed patients that if they decide to end their life, they have the power to follow through on that, but that I hope they won't choose that route and allow those caring about them to help; their suicide would deprive those people of the chance to affect the outcome positively. It's so difficult to understand the kind of pain someone must be in to make that final choice, but I hope that acknowledging that pain and trying to help can make a difference at least sometimes. Your comments are very thoughtful and helpful to all those left in the wake of anyone’s suicide. I couldn’t agree with you more. As a physician, I have often found myself in the position of trying to convince colleagues (and myself) that they/I are not to blame for senseless suicides, when they have made their best efforts to help the person prior to that unexpected outcome. I also tell depressed patients that if they decide to end their life, they have the power to follow through on that, but that I hope they won’t choose that route and allow those caring about them to help; their suicide would deprive those people of the chance to affect the outcome positively. It’s so difficult to understand the kind of pain someone must be in to make that final choice, but I hope that acknowledging that pain and trying to help can make a difference at least sometimes.

]]> Comment on We May Think We’re Alone, But We’re Not. New List of Famous Suicide Survivors Just Released. by kathy wallace http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=62#comment-335 kathy wallace Wed, 16 May 2012 17:38:20 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=62#comment-335 Thank you for your womderful words... I am going to steal some of them for our support group. "Despite the fact that we have so many unanswered questions, we will not project those onto our loved ones, but rather grant them the peace and comfort they deserve in their spiritual life and may we treat ourselves with kindness. May we realize that we do not have any answer NOW, and we may never have any answers and may we be OK with that. May we give ourselves permission to not beat ourselves up over the unanswered questions because it just makes no sense. It is a balance and most days please grant us the ability to keep it in perspective. On the days when we can’t, may we allow ourselves that as well and all the emotions that go along with it. As the days pass, may we find little moments of peace and acknowledge these and not feel guilty. AND…May we be ever more vigilant and compassionate to our fellows in distress. Thank you, Colleen. Thank you for your womderful words… I am going to steal some of them for our support group.
“Despite the fact that we have so many unanswered questions, we will not project those onto our loved ones, but rather grant them the peace and comfort they deserve in their spiritual life and may we treat ourselves with kindness. May we realize that we do not have any answer NOW, and we may never have any answers and may we be OK with that. May we give ourselves permission to not beat ourselves up over the unanswered questions because it just makes no sense. It is a balance and most days please grant us the ability to keep it in perspective. On the days when we can’t, may we allow ourselves that as well and all the emotions that go along with it. As the days pass, may we find little moments of peace and acknowledge these and not feel guilty. AND…May we be ever more vigilant and compassionate to our fellows in distress. Thank you, Colleen.

]]> Comment on The Blame Game: Dharun Ravi & Tyler Clementi by Laura http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-334 Laura Mon, 14 May 2012 19:00:33 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-334 Wow! So many people hurting just like me. So many feeling alone and wondering what to do with their lives now, just like me. My beautiful husband of 25 years killed himself last April. I have a son left at home getting to graduate. I have a married daughter that just had her first baby in October. I have a stepson getting ready graduate from his residency program in 2 more years and will be an anesthesiologist. My kids have so much to live for. They are just starting their lives. They miss their father so much and are angry he is not here to share all their hopes and dreams with them. And me?? Well, where do I go from here. I still work. I come home. But for what? No retirement plans now. No long road trips across the country to look forward to . No one to cook for. No one to tell any of my hopes and dreams to. I felt horribly alone. Horribly lost. It's like on the wizard of oz, I just got picked up and placed in a world overnight that I want nothing to do with. Please, if any of you are considering suicide, DONT! You have no idea the pain and suffering it will cause others. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem as they say. There is ALWAYS help out there for you. Seek it, grab onto it, hold on for dear life. Don't let you precious life slip away. It is a gift from God and only He should be the one to deicide when your time is up. Laura Wow! So many people hurting just like me. So many feeling alone and wondering what to do with their lives now, just like me. My beautiful husband of 25 years killed himself last April. I have a son left at home getting to graduate. I have a married daughter that just had her first baby in October. I have a stepson getting ready graduate from his residency program in 2 more years and will be an anesthesiologist. My kids have so much to live for. They are just starting their lives. They miss their father so much and are angry he is not here to share all their hopes and dreams with them. And me?? Well, where do I go from here. I still work. I come home. But for what? No retirement plans now. No long road trips across the country to look forward to . No one to cook for. No one to tell any of my hopes and dreams to. I felt horribly alone. Horribly lost. It’s like on the wizard of oz, I just got picked up and placed in a world overnight that I want nothing to do with. Please, if any of you are considering suicide, DONT! You have no idea the pain and suffering it will cause others. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem as they say. There is ALWAYS help out there for you. Seek it, grab onto it, hold on for dear life. Don’t let you precious life slip away. It is a gift from God and only He should be the one to deicide when your time is up.
Laura

]]> Comment on The Blame Game, Take 2: Mom & Dharun Ravi by Laura http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=181#comment-333 Laura Mon, 14 May 2012 18:15:08 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=181#comment-333 I am also a suicide survivor and was blamed by my own children in the death of my husband last year. He brutally took his own life with three bullets, two to the chest and one to the head. Since we were filing for divorce and I had moved out at his request, of course I was blamed for his deep depression. But it's like you said, he had been depressed for a long time and refused to seek counseling or any other kind of help for years. I had always thought him to be depressed. He'd had a hard upbringing, had never really thought much of himself and then suffered a painful divorce a year before we started dating. I, on the other hand, who'd also had a hard upbringing, had been to all kinds of counselors. I knew I had problems but I wanted to get myself fixed. I did not want to spread my depression and insecurities onto other people. Especially my husband. I recognized depression him. He was angry a lot. He drank too much. He used other drugs. He depended solely on me for all his happiness and when I failed him in that area, he blamed me for his misery. Then he cheated on me. I was mad for a long time but I did forgive him. He never thought I did though and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always accusing me of cheating on him. Finally I guess I'd had enough. The marriage was over. He told me he would not move out, that I had to. So I did. I was miserable though. I really didn't want the marriage to be over. I tried to come home but he told me "no". At that same time he was feeling his business was failing. He was a successful real estate broker in our town and well known and respected by many in the community. When he decided his business was failing and I was leaving I guess it was too much. His first suicide attempt with pills was unsuccessful and he begged me to kill him. I put him in the hospital. He was there for one week, convinced the psychiatrist that he was fine and was sent home. After I moved out he became more depressed so his son, who is a doctor, put him in another pschy facility in the hospital where he worked. He was there a week and sent home. He was placed on all kinds of med. He was supposed to go for counseling but I think he only went once or twice. He kept telling me the only way to fix all the problems was just to take himself out. He told me he was going to hire someone to shoot him. He kept changing his story. I begged him not to do anything stupid. Everyone in the family was calling him daily to check on him. He'd go to work but would just sit at the desk and push papers around. For a while, I thought he was getting better but then suddenly he was gone. Drove himself to one of our rentals, actually one that he and I had lived in when we were first married, and went into the bathtub and shot himself. One of our good friends who was helping me look for him found him. This last year has been a nightmare for me. I am depressed myself. I have had to move out of my beloved home, into a rental and now into another house. I developed health problems the end of last year and have just had major surgery. My son is getting ready to graduate high school and is very upset that his dad won't be here. My daughter had her first child last year and is very upset that he is not around and my husbands son from his first marriage is trying to finish up medical school and I know he is depressed. I can hear it in his voice. The worst part of all of this was that I was blamed. It was my fault and noone would listen to me. No matter how hard I tried to explain to my kids what had been going on no one wanted to listen. I was and still am, treated horribly by so called "friends" and acquaintances. My kids seem to be better with me now that the shock has worn off but I don't know in my heart of hearts whether I've really been forgiven or not. My parents, brother and sisters have been extremely supportive and that's been great. I enjoy reading what you have to say on your blog and will continue to read it. Thanks for letting me vent. Laura I am also a suicide survivor and was blamed by my own children in the death of my husband last year. He brutally took his own life with three bullets, two to the chest and one to the head. Since we were filing for divorce and I had moved out at his request, of course I was blamed for his deep depression. But it’s like you said, he had been depressed for a long time and refused to seek counseling or any other kind of help for years. I had always thought him to be depressed. He’d had a hard upbringing, had never really thought much of himself and then suffered a painful divorce a year before we started dating. I, on the other hand, who’d also had a hard upbringing, had been to all kinds of counselors. I knew I had problems but I wanted to get myself fixed. I did not want to spread my depression and insecurities onto other people. Especially my husband. I recognized depression him. He was angry a lot. He drank too much. He used other drugs. He depended solely on me for all his happiness and when I failed him in that area, he blamed me for his misery. Then he cheated on me. I was mad for a long time but I did forgive him. He never thought I did though and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always accusing me of cheating on him. Finally I guess I’d had enough. The marriage was over. He told me he would not move out, that I had to. So I did. I was miserable though. I really didn’t want the marriage to be over. I tried to come home but he told me “no”. At that same time he was feeling his business was failing. He was a successful real estate broker in our town and well known and respected by many in the community. When he decided his business was failing and I was leaving I guess it was too much. His first suicide attempt with pills was unsuccessful and he begged me to kill him. I put him in the hospital. He was there for one week, convinced the psychiatrist that he was fine and was sent home. After I moved out he became more depressed so his son, who is a doctor, put him in another pschy facility in the hospital where he worked. He was there a week and sent home. He was placed on all kinds of med. He was supposed to go for counseling but I think he only went once or twice. He kept telling me the only way to fix all the problems was just to take himself out. He told me he was going to hire someone to shoot him. He kept changing his story. I begged him not to do anything stupid. Everyone in the family was calling him daily to check on him. He’d go to work but would just sit at the desk and push papers around. For a while, I thought he was getting better but then suddenly he was gone. Drove himself to one of our rentals, actually one that he and I had lived in when we were first married, and went into the bathtub and shot himself. One of our good friends who was helping me look for him found him. This last year has been a nightmare for me. I am depressed myself. I have had to move out of my beloved home, into a rental and now into another house. I developed health problems the end of last year and have just had major surgery. My son is getting ready to graduate high school and is very upset that his dad won’t be here. My daughter had her first child last year and is very upset that he is not around and my husbands son from his first marriage is trying to finish up medical school and I know he is depressed. I can hear it in his voice. The worst part of all of this was that I was blamed. It was my fault and noone would listen to me. No matter how hard I tried to explain to my kids what had been going on no one wanted to listen. I was and still am, treated horribly by so called “friends” and acquaintances. My kids seem to be better with me now that the shock has worn off but I don’t know in my heart of hearts whether I’ve really been forgiven or not. My parents, brother and sisters have been extremely supportive and that’s been great. I enjoy reading what you have to say on your blog and will continue to read it. Thanks for letting me vent.
Laura

]]> Comment on The Blame Game: Dharun Ravi & Tyler Clementi by S. Caldwell http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-332 S. Caldwell Tue, 08 May 2012 03:21:06 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-332 My mother hung herself from her bedroom ceiling fan 3 weeks ago. This tragedy has left me in agony, even though I knew she was suicidal. I'd actually talked to her about her suicidal thoughts just days before. I have spent the last few weeks blaming myself and others; however, I know that I felt lost too. We'd had her hospitalized twice in the last few years, but the mental istitutions would not keep her more than a few days. She left the hospital both times in worse condition than when she entered, full of anger and resentment. I didn't want to put her through that again, so I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help her. She'd threatened suicide for the last 10 years. I thought this time may have just been another threat. I didn't know what to do. There is no real person to blame. Bipolar is to blame, a system is to blame, one that doesn't help people who suffer from this type of misery. We need to bring awareness to that. My mother hung herself from her bedroom ceiling fan 3 weeks ago. This tragedy has left me in agony, even though I knew she was suicidal. I’d actually talked to her about her suicidal thoughts just days before. I have spent the last few weeks blaming myself and others; however, I know that I felt lost too. We’d had her hospitalized twice in the last few years, but the mental istitutions would not keep her more than a few days. She left the hospital both times in worse condition than when she entered, full of anger and resentment. I didn’t want to put her through that again, so I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to help her. She’d threatened suicide for the last 10 years. I thought this time may have just been another threat. I didn’t know what to do. There is no real person to blame. Bipolar is to blame, a system is to blame, one that doesn’t help people who suffer from this type of misery. We need to bring awareness to that.

]]> Comment on We May Think We’re Alone, But We’re Not. New List of Famous Suicide Survivors Just Released. by Colleen http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=62#comment-322 Colleen Mon, 23 Apr 2012 06:01:33 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=62#comment-322 I lost my beloved husband Patrick when he took his own life on Jan 2, 2012. This was something completely unexpected, shocking, and devastating. We had an incredible marriage for 20 years, loved and respected each other, had mentored many couples both younger and older than us as well as young adults. He was a kind and gentle soul, talented musician, brilliant man, and friend to many. He was my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my heart. I am not sure how I have survived my overwhelming loss, but I have. Though I find myself left to wade through the ravage and the ruins, I pick up one more piece each day and begin to rebuild my life a little each day. When I am not suffering the devastating, deep-deep, sorrow I have, I am dealing with the fear of having to rebuild my life at the age of 56 on my own,by myself. I have a therapist and attend a support group and I find both helpful. There are times when I just want and need my husband to help me get through the bad days and the rough patches. Though we were not religious, we were very spiritual and my husband has been with me most days since he took his own life. Despite the fact that I have so many unanswered questions, I do not project those onto him, but rather grant him the peace and comfort he deserves in his spiritual life. This is very difficult for me at times because of the anger and abandonment I feel. We had no children so the loneliness is quite unbearable at times. I am honest with him regarding my feelings, but do not project that onto him. Choosing to take his own life was a choice so uncharacteristic of my husband. It is baffling at best and I treat myself with kindness regarding this point. I have realized that I do not have any answer NOW, nor will I EVER have any answers and I am OK with that. Does that viewpoint make my suffering any less? Yes, and no. Yes, because I just don't beat myself up over the unanswered questions and no, because it just makes no sense. Its a balance and most days I can keep it in perspective. On the days when I can't, I allow myself that as well and all the emotions that go along with it. I have made conscious choices most of my life that has rendered me much happiness and now I find myself completely void of that. As the days pass, I find little moments of peace and I do acknowledge these, they just don't come enough yet. I have searched the internet and have not been able to find any support groups in my state(CA)for widows without children. Is there anyone out there that knows of such a group that I might be able to connect with? I lost my beloved husband Patrick when he took his own life on Jan 2, 2012. This was something completely unexpected, shocking, and devastating. We had an incredible marriage for 20 years, loved and respected each other, had mentored many couples both younger and older than us as well as young adults. He was a kind and gentle soul, talented musician, brilliant man, and friend to many. He was my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my heart. I am not sure how I have survived my overwhelming loss, but I have. Though I find myself left to wade through the ravage and the ruins, I pick up one more piece each day and begin to rebuild my life a little each day. When I am not suffering the devastating, deep-deep, sorrow I have, I am dealing with the fear of having to rebuild my life at the age of 56 on my own,by myself. I have a therapist and attend a support group and I find both helpful. There are times when I just want and need my husband to help me get through the bad days and the rough patches. Though we were not religious, we were very spiritual and my husband has been with me most days since he took his own life. Despite the fact that I have so many unanswered questions, I do not project those onto him, but rather grant him the peace and comfort he deserves in his spiritual life. This is very difficult for me at times because of the anger and abandonment I feel. We had no children so the loneliness is quite unbearable at times. I am honest with him regarding my feelings, but do not project that onto him. Choosing to take his own life was a choice so uncharacteristic of my husband. It is baffling at best and I treat myself with kindness regarding this point. I have realized that I do not have any answer NOW, nor will I EVER have any answers and I am OK with that. Does that viewpoint make my suffering any less? Yes, and no. Yes, because I just don’t beat myself up over the unanswered questions and no, because it just makes no sense. Its a balance and most days I can keep it in perspective. On the days when I can’t, I allow myself that as well and all the emotions that go along with it. I have made conscious choices most of my life that has rendered me much happiness and now I find myself completely void of that. As the days pass, I find little moments of peace and I do acknowledge these, they just don’t come enough yet. I have searched the internet and have not been able to find any support groups in my state(CA)for widows without children. Is there anyone out there that knows of such a group that I might be able to connect with?

]]> Comment on The Blame Game: Dharun Ravi & Tyler Clementi by Alexandra Phipps http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-303 Alexandra Phipps Wed, 21 Mar 2012 05:41:56 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-303 My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. And you are also not responsible for his genetic inheritance and his early developmental environment, all factors that are far more significant in forming his personality and self-concept. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. And you are also not responsible for his genetic inheritance and his early developmental environment, all factors that are far more significant in forming his personality and self-concept.

]]> Comment on The Blame Game: Dharun Ravi & Tyler Clementi by Alexandra Phipps http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-302 Alexandra Phipps Wed, 21 Mar 2012 05:32:07 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-302 Thank you, Steven. This is my first visit to this blog so I hesitate to disagree with its creator without a more comprehensive understanding of his mission here, but I do support your point; blame has its place. Nobody enjoys feeling guilty. It is more comfortable to dismiss the post-suicide self-recriminations by taking solace in our culture's pop psych/self-help dogma that discourages guilt and blame and reflexively answers all the hard questions with asinine salves like: "There was nothing you could do" and "It's not your fault." This is nonsense and the heart knows that. The truth is, WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW AND TO WHAT EXTENT OUR BEHAVIORS AFFECT OTHERS' PSYCHES. Therefore, philosophies that dismiss the integrity of guilt/blame neglect the complexities of morality (while also presuming to understand the mysteries of existence); they epitomize arrogance and encourage injustice. My brother killed himself four months ago. Am I responsible? YES. Is my mother responsible? YES. Is my father responsible? YES. Could I have been a better sister? YES. We are all responsible - in our own private ways and to degrees that we probably can't fathom - for each other and our souls know this. So, if you feel guilty, it's probably because you are. I know that's a frightening and unappealing idea (and I'm probably going about expressing it in a callous way), but it doesn't have to be a discouraging one. Your guilt is actually a solemn gift. If you accept it, you can begin to heal. Thank you, Steven. This is my first visit to this blog so I hesitate to disagree with its creator without a more comprehensive understanding of his mission here, but I do support your point; blame has its place.

Nobody enjoys feeling guilty. It is more comfortable to dismiss the post-suicide self-recriminations by taking solace in our culture’s pop psych/self-help dogma that discourages guilt and blame and reflexively answers all the hard questions with asinine salves like: “There was nothing you could do” and “It’s not your fault.”

This is nonsense and the heart knows that.

The truth is, WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW AND TO WHAT EXTENT OUR BEHAVIORS AFFECT OTHERS’ PSYCHES. Therefore, philosophies that dismiss the integrity of guilt/blame neglect the complexities of morality (while also presuming to understand the mysteries of existence); they epitomize arrogance and encourage injustice.

My brother killed himself four months ago. Am I responsible? YES. Is my mother responsible? YES. Is my father responsible? YES. Could I have been a better sister? YES. We are all responsible – in our own private ways and to degrees that we probably can’t fathom – for each other and our souls know this. So, if you feel guilty, it’s probably because you are. I know that’s a frightening and unappealing idea (and I’m probably going about expressing it in a callous way), but it doesn’t have to be a discouraging one. Your guilt is actually a solemn gift. If you accept it, you can begin to heal.

]]> Comment on The Blame Game: Dharun Ravi & Tyler Clementi by andree http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-300 andree Mon, 19 Mar 2012 00:51:08 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-300 Thank u Kari for helping me better understand the tormenting depressive thoughts that led my son to take his life at 22 yrs. of age. But why is there still no talk of suicide being the result of an illness of the brain - most of us are born with the will to live despite overwhelming negative circumstances but in others something causes the brain to override this will to live. Thank u Kari for helping me better understand the tormenting depressive thoughts that led my son to take his life at 22 yrs. of age. But why is there still no talk of suicide being the result of an illness of the brain – most of us are born with the will to live despite overwhelming negative circumstances but in others something causes the brain to override this will to live.

]]> Comment on The Blame Game: Dharun Ravi & Tyler Clementi by Jill http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-299 Jill Mon, 19 Mar 2012 00:37:43 +0000 http://whysuicideblog.com/?p=154#comment-299 kari, Please stay! Please fight your depression! keep trying new medication and theropy! I lost my beautiful Sister 15 months ago to suicide and I feel you have been so truthful and honest here. I also feel you have described her pain and anguish. Im begging you Kari please fight! I will be praying for you! You are not alone and you are not a burden please go afsp.org to find some help. Jill kari,
Please stay! Please fight your depression! keep trying new medication and theropy! I lost my beautiful Sister 15 months ago to suicide and I feel you have been so truthful and honest here. I also feel you have described her pain and anguish. Im begging you Kari please fight! I will be praying for you! You are not alone and you are not a burden please go afsp.org to find some help.

Jill

]]>